My (Un) Successful Psychology

• To become a writer and start a successful blog.
• To become a singer and stand on stage in front of thousands of people.
• To become a chef and open my own restaurant.
• To start my own business (whatever that might look like).
• To travel and own houses all over the world.
• To dedicate my life to helping people and making an impact.
• To live a more balanced, healthier and happy lifestyle.
• To be a better friend.
• To be a better boyfriend.
• To master another language.

The list goes on…

And for as long as I can remember – I’ve struggled with achieving these goals. Sure – I’ve made small advancements here and there but never felt like I’ve truly moved the needle on really any of them. I would sooner spend the whole day watching TV wondering why I’m not making any progress instead of putting in the time and effort required to make any of these goals a reality.

“Why is everyone so far ahead of me?”

“Why am I so incapable?”

“What is it that is stopping me from living the life I want?”

“Why don’t I believe I am worthy of my own goals?”

It was as though the moment I felt like something required effort I would proactively disqualify myself from it – labeling it as not right for me or not something I should be doing. You could say maybe I wasn’t serious about my goals. But that’s the thing, I really was. I wanted them more than anything. I was self-sabotaging and I knew it.

It wasn’t long before I noticed it starting to impact other areas such as my relationship, my career and my overall outlook on life. Something had to change but I couldn’t figure out what. Or how. I was helpless. Destined for a life of ‘underachievement’ and ‘just being’.

Until one day I made a discovery.

There I was moping around the house basking in my own unworthiness when my girlfriend asked me, “Have you ever heard of a fixed vs growth mindset?”

“No…”, I said – naturally adding it to the above list of things that felt like too much effort and that I would never actually do. Seeing right through me she said, “Just check it out – it might give you some answers”. Like a teenager who’s Mum has asked them to empty the dishwasher, I dragged myself to the kitchen table and opened my laptop.

This happened three weeks and 14 hours ago. And it was the moment my life changed forever. I had found my answer. I had a fixed mindset.

A fixed mindset is when you believe that your intelligence and traits are all fixed. That they cannot be developed. That your entire being is carved in stone and as such you are incapable of change. As opposed to a growth mindset – when you believe that your intelligence and traits are things that can be developed and nurtured. That you can grow over time and achieve anything.

It wasn’t long before I discovered a book that will be the single most influential book I’ll ever read – ‘Mindset – The New Psychology of Success’ written by Stanford professor Carol Dweck.

Here’s a summary of her thinking:

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It was like she had examined every inch of my brain. Every thought process and brain state I’d ever had. She knew me better than anyone. Better than I knew myself.

Suddenly I didn’t have to feel the way I’d been feeling.

She helped me appreciate that it was a fixed mindset that was holding me back. That people with the fixed mindset are concerned with one thing and one thing only – proving themselves in every situation. In relationships, in careers, with friends and with themselves.

It was the reason why I couldn’t achieve my goals.

As Dweck writes:

If you feel like you only have a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character— well, then you’d better prove that you have a healthy dose of them. It simply wouldn’t do to look or feel deficient in these most basic characteristics

Anything that didn’t reinforce this fixed level of intelligence – i.e. anything that required ‘effort’ – I chose to stay away from. If it wasn’t a testimony to my intelligence and didn’t come ‘naturally’ – I wasn’t interested.

Not a recipe for success in a life where nothing comes easy.

I realized I needed to change my relationship with effort. I realized that – in the face of having a fixed level of ability – effort wasn’t the enemy. On the contrary – effort is the single thing that ignites ability and unlocks potential. That moves you forward in life. It seems so obvious now that I write it down.

Before I knew exactly what I was and wasn’t good at (read as – where I didn’t need to prove myself and where I did). I knew exactly what I was and wasn’t capable of (read as – where I didn’t need to put in effort and where I did).

Now – the sky is the limit.

Of course – it’s nothing that’s going to change overnight. 30 years of thinking a certain way is going to take some retraining. But even having a basic awareness of a fixed vs growth mindset – that things can (and will be) different – has already completely transformed my life for the better. It doesn’t mean e.g. that I’m going to become a best-selling author overnight (as amazing as that would be). It just means that I now see how to make small, daily and incremental gains to help me achieve the life I want.

The reason I am sharing this (My (Un) Successful Psychology) with you is two-fold.

Firstly – I hope that my story might be able to help anyone who may be in a similar position or experiencing similar feelings. It’s been like a switch has flipped in my head – and I hope the same happens for you too. Secondly – as a public commitment to a lifetime of hard-work and effort. Of achievement and success. Of happiness and prosperity. Of daily grind. Writing this blog being the first step.

I now have no excuse – and neither do you!

That was My (Un) Successful Psychology to a growth mindset.