09:09 on a Thursday morning, incoming WhatsApp from my 74-year-old Mom:
“Woke up yesterday short of breath and weak went to clinic. Sent me to hospital now in Medi Clinic in PMB. Had Angiogram HEART Fine doing CAT scan of lungs. Will let you know later”.
Each time I call my mom and ask how she is, she says: “No really, I’m fine”
But actually, she wasn’t. This has been her response her entire life. An early childhood interpretation of a situation has led her to believe that she has to be self-sufficient and she has to act as if everything is okay.
“No really, I’m fine”
It got me thinking – do we all suffer from perpetual “I’m fineness?” Conversations usually go this way:
“Hi, how are you? I’m fine and you? I’m fine…” are you though? The pervasiveness of social media has further concreted the need for “fineness”. Filter the wrinkles, change the colours, highlight this, hide that all so that our lives tell everyone, “no really, I’m fine”.
But how about shaking things up a bit. I don’t mean becoming the proverbial grumpy complainer, I mean how about becoming a bit vulnerable, a bit more honest, a bit more open and a bit more real.
Change the conversation to this:
“Hi, how are you? I am so well thanks, I have been running and feeling super about that. How about you? How are you doing?”
“Hi, how are you? I’m not great. Been feeling sick recently. Any ideas on how to boost the immune system?”
Why do we have a need to appear like we have our shit together all the time? Why the walls? We’re all in this crazy thing called life together, we all know how hard life gets, and I believe we should all be helping each other out to kick its butt. Maybe I’m getting to the stage in my life that I don’t want to have to pretend that I’m fine, I just don’t have the time or energy to pretend. If I’m feeling horrible, you’ll know about it, and if I’m feeling fabulous, you’ll also know about it. Fine is just fucked up. That’s not living, that’s trying to keep it all together, for who?
So next time you are asked “How are you?” don’t just default to “fine”, take some time to think about it, connect with how you are really feeling, doing, experiencing life at that moment and tell the person asking exactly that. The same thing goes for when you’re asking someone how they are – instead of asking absentmindedly, ask them how they really are, what they’re really feeling. Let’s aim for substantial conversations, instead of apathetic ones.
So, how are you? No, how are you really?
Here is the rub, am I practising what I preach and being true to myself, am I really being real?
I am trying. As a working mom of two boys, one of which has recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s, I find it increasingly difficult to find that balance and take the time to care for me. It sounds so clichéd and Wo! Is Me, but this shit is hard.
Case in point. Eldest son at home sick, elderly mother is ill (see above), got to pick youngest up from school as dad, usual lunch time taxi driver, is in a meeting, head home, make lunch for people at home, call sister in US to tell her about mom, call father and navigated that weird and strained relationship between me, him and mother from whom he has been divorced for many years. Then head back to office and pretend like I have it all together. I don’t. I have guilt for not being at home with sick kids, guilt for not being able to drop everything and head to sick mom, guilt that I am relieved I have the space to have a hot cup of coffee at my desk, but I am still thinking about what to make for dinner and if the dog needs a walk tonight. Where do I fit in me-time and self-love?
So, this is what I have to do to make sure crazy, destructive, depressive paths are not travelled down again. I have to commit to me.
To put it simply, this is finding what makes you happy and doing more of it.
Commit and show up for those early morning runs which fill my soul with happiness from the shared trials of not only the literal up hills, but the support on the figurative, life-induced ups and downs, and fills my bloodstream with endorphins which give me the spring in my step to face the day.
Start acknowledging what makes my heart and soul sing, and start doing more of that. Like John Sanei promotes “Follow what shines brightest”.
Start doing what I want to do in the evenings, draw, sew, read. Take the time to reconnect with my husband, shut the world out and focus on what makes me feel like I am really living.
Eventually I did drop everything to be with my Mom and it was the best thing I could have done for not only her but also for me. I got to give my full attention to one thing, caring for a sick parent. That is a rare thing these days, giving your full attention to one thing. It made me realise the importance of spending time with loved ones – so often, we’re in a rush to drop the kids at school, a rush to work, a rushed phonecall with a friend or parent, we don’t take full advantage of these beautiful moments, take full advantage that we have kids, have a job, have friends and have family – let alone asking them how they really are.
When my mom was sleeping my sister and I got to spend time talking, laughing, crying, dreaming and analysing. We have spent too many years waiting to shine, hiding, worrying and being too scared to take that leap into greatness. Why do we think we should be able to do this? Why would anyone think I am capable of doing that? My question now is, “Why not?”
The important thing is that the opportunity to care for someone else allowed me to care for me. It gave me the headspace to plan my best life, find the confidence, bravery and courage to take the steps to live that best life. In the terrible situation of my mother falling ill, I managed to look at life from a new angle for the first time – that life is too precious. Life is too precious to allow fear to stop you from achieving greatness, to take your loved ones for granted, to be ordinary, to be “fine.”
The life we lead as females is a balancing act of epic proportions; hormones, expectations, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of the need for perpetual I-have-my-shit-togetherness, often caring for several other people and still being fine.
Self-care goes beyond the manis, pedi’s and time for yourself. Self-care constitutes stepping into the space of bravery and vulnerability, where you feel you heart skip a beat, the butterflies in your stomach and the thrill of being shit scared and loving every minute of it. Finding the balance goes beyond effective ways to cope with family, work and life, it is about the delicate balancing act of what you think is expected of you, what you really want to be doing and what provides you with enough financial means to live. Finding this balance is difficult, exhausting, necessary and the best expression of self-love and care I can think of.
So, how are you?
Go beyond fine, head towards fabulous.