What do women and burnout have in common?
Everything, when your socialized self is your guiding star. Let me explain.
This week I had conversations with women that ‘have it all together’. Success is pouring out from every orifice, they’re well groomed and seemingly, happy. Yet when I looked past the carefully put together package I noticed fatigue, and a body that was weary.
Smiling on the Outside
Yesterday I met with a friend that had done all the courageous things we read about in Oprah Magazine. She left a marriage that had died a decade earlier; started her own business without a financial security blanket – as a single mom. Today, a client told me she had done the same (also as a single mom) and uprooted herself to a city where she didn’t know a soul. Courage redefined.
And yet… I noticed a lingering exhaustion. When the superficialities got out of the way, she said with the most glamorous smile: “I’m smiling on the outside, but crying inside. I am so tired”.
The Double P of Success
Both women have achieved success without financial backing in the midst of an economic downturn. Showing up every day (for years!) took consistent hard work. Whether you’re a mom or not, building a business is tough. It takes a daily dose of Persistence and Patience.
What I’ve noticed in these conversations, is that a lack of energy is often in direct correlation to the degree we put others needs ahead of our own. As such we find ourselves overextending offers to family, friends and colleagues. We say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’. We agree to help with the school raffle when we don’t have time, keep quiet when we want to speak up, and play ‘nice’ to meet the status quo.
Have Conversations That Matter
A simple, yet profound way to practice self-care in language is by making requests. Disclaimer: To do so may require having courageous conversations. First, let’s do a fun test.
The Mother of All Self Care Tests Answer these 10 Questions. Required time: 15mins + a quiet space.
1. Do you extend more offers than you make requests? If YES, continue reading. If NO, send this article to a friend that does.
2. If YES to #1: In what ways do I overextend myself by making offers that aren’t in my best interest?
3. In what areas of my life can I extend requests for help?
4. Will extending a request require a courageous conversation?
5. If YES to #4, what new conversations could allow for possibility, exploration and opportunity?
6. To cut to the chase: What’s most important to me in my life right now?
7. If I’m not living my life in congruence with what’s most important to me: What’s missing in my life right now?
8. Self-observation exercise for the next seven days: What activities or conversations contribute to energy leaks in my daily life?
9. If you’re not sure what an energy leak is: simply observe your body. The A to all your Qs J Here’s what I mean:
10. What conversations, people, situations or media consumption result in your body contracting or expanding? Bang on, your body is your cue. Contraction = energy leaks. Expansion = Essential Self.
In A Nutshell:
Follow expansion (aka Essential Self). Notice when you extend offers, and where you’re falling short of making requests. Have Courageous Conversations. Repeat.
And have fun, because life is too damn short.
PS. If you’re interested in learning more about the Essential Self, I highly recommend Martha Beck’s book: Finding Your Own North Star.